So I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is I am at the halfway point of my quarantine classes review!(yaaaaaaaaay). The bad news is I may have to postpone my graduation until 2021. I have 2 weeks until I turn in my last assignments, so I am going to need a prayer, a miracle and a lucky foxtail to pull this one off. I will have to take a break from Barre Diaries for a while in order to focus on getting everything done. This entire graduate school at 33 experience has been very bittersweet for me.
     This week I participated in online classes from Pacific Northwest Ballet. They only posted 2 classes on YouTube. They also posted pre-recorded classes from the company and summer intensives from previous years. Due to my current state of anxiety, I will only be discussing the 2 main quarantine classes of Peter Boal(the current Artistic Director) and Jonathan Porretta(former Principal dancer of PNB).
     Pacific Northwest Ballet was founded in 1972 in Seattle, Washington. The school was established in 1974.  Former NYCB dancers Kent Stowell and Francia Russell were the original directors of the company and retired in the 2005. This establishment is deeply rooted in the Balanchine style and training method. The company has been home for many exceptional ballet artists such as Patricia Barker, Noelani Pantastico, Carla Korbes and Wade Walthall.  They are also known for their iconic Maurice Sendak designed Nutcracker, which is my personal favorite version( to this day I want to be the Arabian Peacock🦚lol!). The choreographic repertoire of PNB is stunning! Everything from Balanchine and Petipa to Forsythe and Justin Peck. Most people just assume that PNB is all Balanchine, but it is a refreshingly multifaceted jewel in the ballet world. A lot of the training in the school has elements of Balanchine’s technique and style. However, what makes this company truly “Balanchine-esque”, in my opinion, is the variety of it’s repertoire. Balanchine was inspired by everything! He was inspired by his Russian background, art, music, museums and the American way of life. Variety is the spice of life and that is the true spirit of Balanchine, not just hands positions, speed and long lines. Balanchine nurtured newness, uniqueness and innovation, that’s what made him so amazing. He was able to give the audience what they wanted and evolve with the specific trends of the time.  PNB is one of the few “Balanchine companies” that keep his essence alive through the variety of body types,  eclectic repertoire and new training methods. Here are a few key notes that I would like to add in my classes. Both of these classes were part of Ballet In Form, a website that offers insightful tips and classes from professional dancers and teachers.
     Friday July 17, 2020- Today I took class from the very talented and clever Peter Boal, former Principal dancer of NYCB. Boal was made Artistic Director in 2005 after his retirement. He is also on the Advisory Board of Ballet In Form. Peter Boal really focused on alignment and anchoring of the standing leg. For example, he would did plies in 1st position, with one hand on the barre facing the barre. This was good for establishing the central line of balance. This also saved time because when we did plies, we started from 2nd position right away. Another brilliant idea of his was how he made the dancers take their hands of the barre periodically to make sure they were really pulling up on their standing leg. His combinations seemed easy but then we had to repeat them without holding the barre. This was hard because I thought I was on my leg but when I removed my hand from the barre, it I felt like I could not maintain my turnout(I need to work on this lol). His class showed me the importance of the having a strong supporting side at barre in order to move with abandon in the center. Boal also showed me the importance of simple combinations mixed in will slight changes. He would have very logical combinations that challenged the dancers by the change in tempo of the music and with no hands on the barre. The theme of his class seemed to be "less is more" because alignment is what’s most important. Simple combinations that focus on alignment and weight transferal, help the dancer move freely with more intricate and complex enchainement or choreography. I have to keep this in mind when I plan my classes. I also found that by pulling in my abdominal muscles and lengthening my back, I was able to feel more control of my arms and legs. Lengthening the torso/powerhouse is a necessary for fluid movement of the limbs and head!
     Tuesday July 21, 2020- The second class I took was from the dynamite tour de force Jonathan Porretta. He is a former Principal dancer of PNB who was handpicked for the company by Kent Stowell during his dance education at SAB. He's now is part of the teaching faculty for the PNB school. His class had me dripping in sweat! He showed me the power of simple combinations as well but with artistry mixed with speed. I’m not used to the SAB speed so whenever I take a “Balanchine class” I always feel like a Kentucky Derby thoroughbred! You could see and feel Porretta’s Balanchine roots throughout his class. Porretta showed me the importance of speed, repetition and dynamics as training tools. By unexpectedly making us repeat the combinations, I had to really breathe more and make the dimension of my movement smaller. His center exercises were also fast yet fluid( another Balanchine trademark) but the barre made me feel strong and free to move. He also emphasized expression of the dynamics. For example, even though the fondus were fast, he still wanted us to be very mindful of the presenting the heel and bringing the knee back fully.  His tendus in the center made me focus on my standing heel because he changed direction quickly. Changing direction and promenades have always been challenging for me because my legs are hyperextended and I have to really pull up on my standing leg/waist and slightly bend my knee so I can move faster and sharper. I also sometimes have to execute tendus in center from first to establish my center line of balance, then I do them from 5th better.  Porretta made me more aware of this fact and I need to be mindful of my student’s standing leg and central line of balance more, especially for the ones with hypermobile limbs. He also subsitutued jumps with a beautiful and releve combination that changed directions on one leg. I will be adding more fondu/releves in the center for faster core muscle activation. He also gave the dancers different ways to execute the steps if they were having trouble. Tailoring the steps for individual needs is important because it makes the student feels noticed and it also makes them aware of what they need to work on in order to get to the next level.  Core foundation and full execution of a step is more important then just bulldozing through a combination and hoping for the best. It also builds technical consistency which is key  or the improvement of technique.
     Both classes taught me so much and I will apply what I learned not only to my students but to myself. By working on my technical flaws I am able to plan my classes based on the needs of my students. I have learned so much through this research blog. The things I struggle with will also be things most of my students will struggle with. That’s the beauty of ballet, you never truly master it. There is always something to improve! Whether you’re a student, company member or teacher. I am always learning something new from ballet and that’s why I love it so much. There is no ceiling to ballet technique.
     Now back to the bad news. So….I am really worried about passing my classes. This is my last semester and everything has gotten so crazy. The quality of my assignments has gone down significantly. It is so hard to focus. I was so proud of myself for having a 3.8 GPA in the first 2 semesters, but now I don’t know if I'll even graduate this year. Now that everything is online, I find myself with limited resources and artistic inspiration. The fact that all this chaos is going on in the world and I’m still expected to produce A+++++++ level work gives me anger and anxiety. This situation has taught me that the world is cold. Some people can’t just “keep calm and carry on” but the world gaslights and labels individuals like me as "pessimistic" or "negative". It has forced me to just lie and say “I’m fine” because deep down I know people don’t care. Or they’re just trying to push through their own “new normal”. I can’t stand it, it’s so suffocating.  I pride myself on being born the Year of the Tiger because even when I’m scared or insecure I still face my fears with ferocity and ease but this is all new to me. I don’t’ really feel confident about my assignments or future. I procrastinate due to extreme sadness and  anxiety. Sometimes I just stare at the ceiling for hours worried that I won’t find a job or that I will fail. NYC really provided me with so much inspiration for my ideas. Now I’m back in Baltimore….in my room suffocating. I put on my happy mask when I log onto ZOOM for my classes. The second I’m off I cry for hours sometimes or just stare into space. I really hope I am able to pass and graduate. These last 2 weeks coming up is going to be intense/draining and as usual I am completely alone. I am my only emotional support. I get so angry when I see people running around mask-less, entitled and partying like it’s any other summer! Meanwhile I’m up to my neck in blank 25 page papers, stiff ankles from dancing in my living room and empty job applications. I was so hopeful before all this mess. For the first time since my mental breakdown, I felt like things in my life were finally improving. I was really pushing out quality work now I feel like I am doing the bare minimum. I hate doing mediocre work….and I hate crying. I cry all the time now. The only positive force is my life is this blog. It’s the only place where I don’t have to be fake. It’s the only place where I feel free and creative. No one sees my blog and that makes me feel free too. I don’t know what the future holds. I feel completely hopeless and I just want to be finished with school whether I pass or not. I just want to be done because I am so mentally exhausted. So yeah….see you in 2 weeks when I will be reviewing classes from my old stomping ground Dance Theatre of Harlem!🤎
 

      I am finally back. I feel like it has been forever since I have posted something! Last week (and the week before lol) I took some time away from the blog to focus on a few school assignments. I also just needed a break. Lately I have been feeling really panicked and irritated by everything going on in the world. I also did a lot of online shopping(yikes!). I still feel super overwhelmed but a little more on top of things. I can’t believe I graduate next month! I’ll have my Master’s! (Mashallah!). I am SOOO ready. School is not fun and free in your 30s when you have bills and existential melancholy.  I need an enriching, beautiful, teaching job that awakens my inner muse. .
My barre finally arrived and it’s so beautiful. It’s crazy how little things make me goofy happy now. Before “the plague” I wouldn’t have given a barre a second thought. Now, every time I pass my barre (on my way to the kitchen lol) I stop and look at it and feel happy( I am so 👽). It’s so simple and elegant Black, silver and wood…very Tom Ford Gucci 1996. I feel more aligned and, on my legs, now. I've named it Bianca because it reminds me of Bianca Jagger for some reason...👽anyway…enough about me.
    Last week, I took classes that Dutch National Ballet posted on YouTube. These were perfect for my “week off”. I took 5 barre classes from the phenomenal Ernst Meisner. He is a former student and grand sujet (1st soloist) of Dutch National. He also danced with Royal Ballet. He now serves as Interim Artistic Director of the National Ballet Academy of Amsterdam, the unofficial school of Dutch National Ballet. He is also the company's resident Choreographer and Artistic Coordinator of the Junior Company. Meisner’s career is the definition of “coming full circle”, a tradition that many dancers hope to accomplish. I took classes #1, #2, #3, #5 and #6. I skipped #4 because it was a recorded live class with the company and I couldn't see the combinations because of all the tiny Zoom boxes taking up the screen.(I am so over Zoom!)  
     Dutch National Ballet was founded in 1961. It was a merging between Amsterdam Ballet and Nederlands Ballet. Dutch National Opera became its official home in 1986(when I was born lol). Even though there is no official school many students who have been in the company were trained at the National Ballet Academy of Amsterdam. The school was founded in 1968. There is no official ballet method of this institution, but they focus mainly on the Vaganova syllabus. The company and school are known for their diverse and eclectic repertoire and technically rich dancers. This company is also the artistic home to the stellar, electric and unstoppable Michaela DePrince.
     I did not take many notes from each class, like I usually do, since I was “relaxing” and just taking classes to calm my nerves. I absolutely loved Meisner’s classes. His classes were company level yet very logical, physiological and functionally aesthetic. Everything made since and my body felt warm, svelte and balanced. Most dancers know that company class can get a little counterproductive and it can throw off your entire day. Whenever I had a bad morning class (back in the day), I would feel detached from myself and I would be counting down the hours until I could return to my bed. But Meisner’s class felt like so delicious. I felt like I was working smart but not hard. I was sweating but I felt very fluid. I added these classes to my workout regimen. These classes are an excellent pre-performance warm up. I feel mentally at ease and my body feels more elongated and strong. One thing I will be taking from his class and incorporating into mine, is his use of lowering the heels down to 5th position with straight legs. Lowering the heels while maintaining proper turnout is a subtle yet effective toning exercise. This is also a hallmark of the ABT National Training Curriculum. It really strengthens the deep, inner thigh/hip muscles. These are the hardest muscles to train in ballet, but lowering to 5th with straight legs(or any of the 5 positions of the feet) targets them perfectly. Sometimes the simplest exercise has a lifetime of benefits.
     A fairly new program that DNB has created is called Dancing Diversity. It's basically a performance workshop that highlights Black dancers in the company from the past, present and future during Black Achievement Month. BAM is based off the American holiday of Black History Month that was created in 1926, and it celebrates the history of Dutch people of African descent. The only difference is that BAM is the month of October instead February. Last year was the 3rd edition of this program and it was hosted by Theresa Ruth Howard (founder of MoBBallet.org). Ernst Meisner choreographed for last year's program as well and featured the gorgeous Sebia Plantefève en Davi Ramos.
       I want to wrap up this entry by highlighting DNB’s diversity. Not only is their beautiful repertoire diverse and eclectic but their company is too. Their company has all races and faces, and it is so gorgeous. This is very refreshing to see, but I still think they could have way more dancers of African descent. DNB gained my respect when they made Michaela DePrince a sujet. At the time this was almost unheard of, a European ballet company spotlighting a female dancer of African descent. This bothers me, why are darker skinned ballerinas rarely allowed to shine in some ballet companies?! There are currently 4 dancers of African descent and even though I would like to see more, I still commend DNB on taking strides towards change and removing racism in ballet.
     Change takes time because it requires an evolution in people’s unconscious thinking patterns. So many people are set in their ways and don’t want to see Black people in ballet and that is disgusting!  American and European companies have been changing and diversifying slowly but now with the all the discrimination and blatant racism being witnessed in the media, things must change faster. Things need to change and remain that way. Black artists are not trends or quotas. We deserve to be figures of inspiration as well. Maybe one day instead of seeing just 4 faces that look like mine, I’ll see multiple ones. So many that I won’t even have to count! So many that I no longer subconsciously scan my eyes through a ballet company performance program or website. I feel like many Black ballet dancers do this: we always look to see if there are other like us in the ballet world, who feel the same when in reality we are all over the world! During this quarantine I have seen so many beautiful ballet artists of African descent. Yet, I'm suppose to believe that "Black people lack the facility and technique for ballet"🙄. The Black physique has been the Muse for all forms of art for centuries,and it's time for the ballet world to acknowledge and accept that fact, period.🤎

Here is the last recording(maybe) focusing on BDD. In this entry I will be discussing BDD and relationships/dating. Another topic I focus on is  how striving for perfection in life can be harmful in one's quest for self love🤎

Ps. Sorry about the background noise(I am so sick of these firecrackers🙄)

Hello, here is a audio diary of me discussing the complex relationship that people with BDD have with photographs. I also talk about the power of people's gaze🧿and my thoughts about how we live in a society that judges a person's character/quality based on their physical appearance.🤎

Hello, today's mental health diary entry will be about persevering through mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks when you're expected to deliver.🤎